they pulled my hair at charm school.
they
stole my guestbook during
rolecall.
Do not: speak unless spoken to ? + March 28. 2002 = 11:47 a.m.
+ Breakfast & basketball hoops. The court down behind Lasell Ave. Bright sun & the air is rising in temperature. Dan & Ben2 throw coats down on court. I follow suit. It is nice to play games with boys who let girls take aim and steal passes. It is not always so with other boys. At breakfast I miss Ben and wish for a concrete way to tell if he is missing me too. Dan tells me it is okay to need attention/ to want to hear your boyfriend's voice on phone or in words left in digital account. I have convinced myself of the very opposite. Heated fist fights with myself where I, incorrectly according to Dan, fear that the bruises and scrapes I leave all over my ego are evidence of my insecurity / vanity. I do not ever. want to be the pay attention to me!!! girl. Ah, i am a funny thing. 1997 on Lyman Ave. It is April and it is windy and the rain is at a slant. The trees nearly touch the sidewalks as PB & I argue & fight. At one point he screams : "You always have to be so COOL with everything - always have to find a way to UNDERSTAND. Like you are So above FEELING hurt...." Holding tightly on to leash of housemate's yellow lab and I felt his words as a sharp slap to the face. 2002, and you know what? It is absolutely true. Never want to be caught biting the hand that feeds me. Never want anyone to think that I can't take care of myself. The best cure for these things in my head: noises of this small city. Church bells, car engines, sirens, heels against concrete, coffee shop conversations, forks against china, bicycle wheels on gravel, dogs barking, kids shouting at recess.
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