they pulled my hair at charm school.
they
stole my guestbook during
rolecall.
Beau. Brand New. + January 3. 2002. = 1:29 a.m.
If this is a game I am winning. I keep coming home to myself. Am quite good at it. I put my keys in the fancy blue dish where they belong. I hang my coat up. I flip through the mail and pour myself a drink. (a drink, as I am being Good. And not Tequila, for the same reason.) Check phone messages. Dan, Sister, Someone for a John G.(?) Check email. Ben, IB, Jim, Tish, Bookstore Boy. Brand New Beau is not to be found in either place & it's okay. Honestly, I think this is a game I am playing with myself. I am glad I do not have to name it as it would most likely be called something very pathetic ... Like : Let's See Who Can Pretend to Care the Least. (Gawd forbid The Boy might think I like him!!! ) But, look at me go about my Normal Day to Day Routines everso finely.likenormal.likepre-him. Not to say I can't spend one whole day without making a notation about not hearing his voice - but with things so shiny brand new one might think that there would be contact made. Honestly, I am trying not to play games. I am trying not to make Rules of Play lists in my head. It was what I practiced this summer - must confess - was merely months away from going Pro. (okay, a few lost matches here & there, but we won't talk about that. well, not right now anyway.) Mark comes over after work and we watch Made. Disappointing. What happened to Vince? He looks ashen and swollen. He wants to watch a second movie (Mark, mind you, not Vince) but I send his red-headed self home. I have all these male friends who I absolutely adore, but still, secretly, wish for a group of women a la S&TC. I know, I know - forgive me for being trite. But honestly, In other news. Have spent past two days worrying that I was not being Entertaining enough for Brand New Beau's Best Friends. They are charming and witty and so gawd damn smart. They remind me of my old high school friends. New Years Eve and Night and then Day found me feeling quiet and quite flat. Blank space substituted any Grand Thoughts or Opinions. I laughed and threw out words here & there, but, overall, contributed little to conversations. Worry that I Was SoMuchFun! this summer because I drank a lot of Tequila. Troublesome, that. There are all of these people rallying for me. Somehow I have convinced them that I am capable of things much Greater than the things I am presently involved in. (i.e. job that requires no skillthoughtbloodsweatahyouknow) I worry that I can not get off my lazy arse and prove them right. Am too caught up in fearing that they are wrong. I get all tied in to knots over small things (heart of hearts knows most people go shy around new acquaintances - esp. when they want aforementioned acquaintances to like them, and yet...) which leads to there being knots in the whole Grand Scheme of Things. knot: quiet around Beau's new friends knotknot: will forever be a stunted conversationalist unless fortified with Tequila knotknot&moreknots: will never get off my arse as will never be coordinated enough due to Tequila guzzling. knotknot&fecklookatthis: Anyway, Brand New Beau is charming & beautiful, witty & kind, cool x 1000. He has blue eyes and is very tall and he has made me laugh more than once. He has said "yer gorgeous, you know that don't you." Also, has kissed me over & over during the countless faux countdowns on NyrsEve. And before first time kiss said : Can I kiss you Yet? Am trying to quell the absurd fears crowding in my most twisted brain. The ones that have me convinced that my talent lies not in sustaining a Real Realtionship but in Beginning One and Then Letting it Burn to The Ground. I guess we shall see. Must throw myself in to empty bed and try for sleep...
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