they pulled my hair at charm school.
they
stole my guestbook during
rolecall.
Cold air and Skin flushes. + February 12. 2002 = 11:01 a.m.
+ Eight a.m. phone call from Brooklyn. Dan apologizes for waking me up. Sun on blue sheets. Black cat curled against me. I pile up pillows against wall and we talk his New Girlfriend and his plans for the next three weeks. Listens to me talk about Ben and is reassuring & _ . you know. _ I think I need to s t o p fretting so. Most unbecoming. Up early. Shower & listen to new mp3s. Fridge, The Cancer Conspiracy, Centro-Matic, new J. Mascis. mmm, his voice and all I can think of is the hrs of teengeagedom spent listening to Green Mind. Downtown is cold concrete and man in brown coat who no longer asks me for change. He smiles and asks how I am. Asks where my boyfriend is. Bookstores & time spent running fingertips over new hardcovers I want. Look for Valentines Cards for my family - but none are found. Will make them instead. Mocha from the Haymarket. Walk shortcuts back to Apt 34. White limo waits in back parking lot of Serio's Market. It looks too large and unwieldy next to the square green dumpster and boxy blue|green|black|red American cars. Home & message from Ben. He will meet me earlier than One p.m. mmm. I desire him in a most unnerving fashion. Think of long limbs, vocabulary, white cardboard cd covers. I think, sometimes, "caring is c r e e py. " Think of moments in which there is something missing. In which he seems to have vacated the premises. Knot in stomach because this is a pattern that used to belong to me. Walls up & when cold I cannot think nor speak. He says it is him. and I am Am t r u s t i n g him on this one. Have begun Remembrance of Things Past . Heavy 1934 edition which smells like stone and attic crawl spaces. Introduction by Mr. Joseph Wood Krutch. Proust & Charm School: "He attended school irregularly, passed the summer at the seaside, and amazed the parents of his childhood companions by the perfection of his behavior in the drawing room. " _
prev/next
class
notes, file of pom-pom
ghosts!
