they pulled my hair at charm school.
they
stole my guestbook during
rolecall.
for the part, act in character. + March 4. 2002 = 11:03 p.m.
+ sometimes, feel building of apt34 to be movie set. three flights of back stairs, unlock heavy scraped blue door, basement laundry. in brown coat and i separate whites and colors. wash out the places i have been to in black and white + places I have been to in color. (tonight, i am in white as the bartender refuses to serve me drink with dinner due to forgotten i.d. but don�t you remember me? i come here all the time. she shakes her head and goes all : ummmm , no. after, dan and i curse her. countless occasions have found her waiting on us & our myriad of legal.age friends . dan offers: i even smoked pot with her one night in her living room! dan, back from months away, is stories and curly hair a little longer. he looks swanky & modely in his new suede coat picked up for $20 at a park slope yard sale.) so, yes, mo v i e set. three flights of gray stairs and there are windows encased in brick to look into. small apartments all set up. apt24 and it looks like someone has just thrown down their jacket, taken off their boots. apt26 and look: someone has been hard at work. dinner and plates and glasses and greens and meats . apt33 and the blinds are drawn. apt14 and there are parted curtains and beer bottles on the counter. but, look, movie set: stars & extras must be sequestered in trailers as there is no movement. no noise. building is on p a u s e. in between takes. and here, am i : acting in character. would like a new script & have spent day fretting so. how to write myself one? how to make it believable and relevant. possibilities pull at me. problem is: need to find just o n e to follow through with. secretly, want boy to confess true. 4_letter. word.thing to me. then, we could tour another country. let our skin caramelize. let him practice his highschool italian. then, return, and look at us live in manhattan on my salary obtained by being charming. (gawd damn, someone should pay me for that, no?) he could play rockstar and i could play novelist. friends, strangers & teachers from old schools would exclaim : ooo! we always knew they were perfect for those parts! sometimes, feel him to be a foreign country. too many hrs spent away from skin & blue eyes, bump on wrist & brown shirt with duct tape and look at me slowly f o r g e t t i n g the language. think back: surreal. tell truth & : there is a place in which we exist together. (make dan laugh as i say : mmm, sometimes, i just think i may not be the girl for him. think he should be with one of those girls who sit at shows knitting mittens. dan adds: and they have on a hat they knitted on. even in the summer. si. ) post script: dryer left waistbands and jean pockets wet. after all that, hmph.
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