do sneak cigarettes late at night

they pulled my hair at charm school.

they stole my guestbook during rolecall.

do not: wrinkle brow so, + January 14. 2001 = 9:51 p.m.

+

In a state.

o, pass me a faux cigarette.

�every time i pin down what i think i want it slips away.� weezer

There are curious things in my head. I am trying to maneuver around them carefully - their contents held within pale blue egg shells, and am afraid of cracking them open. As of late: feel a great disparity between the spoken and unspoken. I listen to Ben talk and I am there in his dark blue car, am there in his bed with yellow sheets, am there sitting across from him at lunch - and yet the whole time I am holding court with myself in my head. I fret & worry. Think of Margot Tennebaum retreating to her old bedroom - closing the door behind her - darkness and space and she sighs.

This is the thing. I want to say : do you know what is taking place in my head? I want to give him free reign to take a look around. I want him to know the oddness and incongruities. Only, it is the impossible. It is all most confusing and complicated - this falling in thing. Near four a.m. and he tells me that, though it is so soon, he feels as though he is falling in love with me. That, in fact, he felt that way the first time he kissed me. ifeelthesame. Later,

I think: Perhaps, we have nothing in common. And I want the dark bedroom, the sigh, the escape. What all of this is, am sure, is that strange space between being a l o n e and be ing with so m e one. (oooh, look at me go Deep.) Honestly, this transition is such a thing. I am always thinking steps ahead of what is taking place and the consequences of this are alarming. Thus, he may be kissing me and telling me he is so happy to see me, and yet in mymind I am worrying that he is insane, and so, has no idea what he is talking about. Or, I am adding and subtracing the minutes until he goes home. It is unruly. It riles one so. Sometimes - sometimes I feel so lucky and things make sense/ fit together and I am Glad of him. Othertimes, Am worried I am not smart enough. That he may be pretentious .

(he says if i never saw you again that would be weird

and if we were to move in together, that would be weird too)

Wanting : dark kohl to line eyes with

and striped polo dresses

also, to smoke secretly and live in that house with the game closet and yellow tent.

songs haunted by:

the shins new slang

and ben�s dim deep sound

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