they pulled my hair at charm school.
they
stole my guestbook during
rolecall.
List for a Lenox, MA Wedding + August. 21st. = 7:06 p.m.
+ 1. the name shad is just plain horrible. 2. Up until 3 a.m. prowling online sites for Devastating Dress to slip on for twenty-three-year-old cousin�s lavish wedding. Countdown: Eight days. Feverish at 2:32 a.m. , wipe sweat from my brow, declare: Will Steal Bianca Jagger�s wedding look. All this brought on by weekend visit with Aunt #4, who drags Elegant Evening Gown out of her closet, holds it up for us to admire, and raises an eyebrow as though to say: Devastating, No? Honestly, up until this moment I had not given a second thought to Fancy Ass Outfit. I swear! (Admit: was all smug & sure of dresses in my own very small closet, which is not actually in my bedroom, nor is it my closet at all, but rather a closet in the living room that I have taken to shoving my clothes into. Take note: in that closet there is not one dress that Will Do. ) Had even declared Beau�s idea to wear his blue Nikes perfectly winsome and artsy. Aunt #4 and Sister the First were duly Horrified. May I remind all those who have lost track: this wedding is not about US! Right? So yes, lusting after a Bianca Jagger-esque outfit. Want the crisp, clean lines doing their best to hold a sizzling tan body in place. (Where to acquire that body is another story. Last attempt at faux tan was a disaster. Fear pale limbs to be as far on the other side of �sizzling� as possible. Eye-catching, well yes, in their own right. Am sure many people find the color of cadaver's limbs to be, um er, eyecatching.) This takes place at such an impossibly early hour that the idea fails to strike me as anything less than Brilliant. Am horribly Original! If I fall short of Bianca, I will mention Kate H. She wore Suits. Perhaps will prepare Eulogy to read when asked why the hell I am wearing a suit. Count on fact that this speech would draw tears from at least seventy-five percent of family members in attendance. Then, at precisely 2:54 a.m. , am struck down by realization that cost of assembling said outfit is the only thing utterly devastating about it. In the bright light of the next day I mention this idea to a few other suspect characters. They all agree: I am crazy. �Bianca Jagger? Not many would try to pull that off!� �A suit?� (well, it would be s e x y. you know, the telling details: ridiculous shoes, tiny camisole underneath, weird earrings.) �What�s wrong with a simple dress?� �What�s wrong with you? �Um, fashion victim?� Vanity, O Vanity, you are the sinkhole that I can not help but fall into. 3. the name chad is really not much of an improvement.
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