do sneak cigarettes late at night

they pulled my hair at charm school.

they stole my guestbook during rolecall.

spell things backwards, i guess + April 9 _ 2002 = 5:40 p.m.

+

wanting soft things. new lawn. thin camisoles. beach hair. soft light. use candles. boy's shoulder to lean forehead on. it is night. early spring and we've just changed the slow clocks. hrs ahead and there are plants struggling to stay alive on the windowsill. am trying to find something in unruly mass of words i have been typing away at since nanowrimo month. if only i could locate its spine and then flesh it out.

i am uneasy. the cat is uneasy. black skinny thing and we like it when the house is very clean (which it isn't. presently. sigh.) & the windows are wide open (which they are).

also, am trying to make the nearness of the reality of Boston Move something to look forward to. as if : traveling to a foreign county. get the maps and the cool sunglasses. stamps and i'll send you postcards. at the heart of it all:

fret so that i won't find a new job, make enough $, make any connections. squiggle squiggle mmmm squirm.

now, off to meet Sarah & Jess for dinner. Then, laundry. Am crossing my fingers in re: to crush boy from sophomore yr in college. He is running for State Rep. He would be first Green Party Candidate ever elected. His photo on pamphlet on my writing desk. ___.....

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ghosts!