do sneak cigarettes late at night

they pulled my hair at charm school.

they stole my guestbook during rolecall.

Push play and listen : the nights are shorter here. + April 2. 2002 = 7:51 p.m.

+

Dusk & the light turns my bed blue. Sit cross-legged & watch woman reporting from NYSE. Register the value of silver (+), gold (+), crude oil (+), the euro(-), etc. etc. Pull my wrists and hands inside sleeves of favorite sweater. Place phone call. Afterwards, the phone leaves a small indentation in the goose down comforter. The window panes have gone blue as well.

Everything touches a nerve. s o f t l y - as though sleepwalking. Touching objects & observing colors as though half-asleep.

I want well water and beaches in Portugal. I want the Royal Tennebaum's house and the running across the lawn in "Remembrance of Things Past". I want sleepy afternoons on a dock in VT with the beau. I want striped pillows and beaded dresses. Bare feet and someone calls my name. Screen door slams & the ice hits the side of the glass.

April is my last month at Apt34. Have become sentimental about remaining twenty+ days. Last night, lying on stomach in soft tanktop & pyjama pants. Swing feet back and forth and take in BBC's adaptation of Trollope novel. Ben arrives. Climbs onto bed beside me. Arm around me & I tell him "I am besotted with you!" (As narrator of show had just proclaimed female character to be in such a state re: handsome man in nineteenth century clothing. ) Moments wherein we look at one another as though awe-struck. dumbfounded . incredulous.

Every minute registering as : only twenty + days left.

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ghosts!