they pulled my hair at charm school.
they
stole my guestbook during
rolecall.
Do: be mindful of weak spots in the ice. + February 1. 2002 = 9:03 a.m.
+
Nightmare: man with long serrated knife. He pulls it from his jacket . A bar floats near a wall . Around it: a small group. They drink amber liquid out of milky glasses. I am in the center of them laughing with a man in a dark suit. The man in the coat throws himself into the crowd and mass confusion ensues. Soon, I am watching him stab guests one by one. They let out an eerie gasp as his knife punctures their skin. I am trying to get away. No door . No room to run. He looks me in the eyes: "What I am going to Do To You. Is muchMuch. Worse." Wake up at five a.m. heart beating too hard against ribcage. & last night. Kitchen table at Apt34. I lean towards Ben and can not stop crying. s l o w l y there are the words I didn't mean to say: "It's just that i l o v e you, or feel like i do, and it scares me, because i have been so c o l d for so long, " He smiles. Pulls me closer and I think it's all okay, oh, it's all right. Long skinny pins hold down this thing I feel for him and o, I don't know. everything falls apart after that. mess. I feel wrecked by it all. Also, am surprised by the vastness I feel within me. A lake. And there are more cold spots by the minute. Earlier, he comes through the door with movies & two magazines. One music magazine that has his face & bandmates on the cover. I fix gin & tonics. Slip the lime around the edge of the glass. I sit down across from him. Stare at the bookcase with the glass doors and think how often we end up standing alone after l o v e aff a ir s. Nothing is constant. youknow. pick yerself up. afterwards. brush off dirt and blood and keep going. youknow: any lit window could be the one. But still, shocked an hour or so later with his reply; I love you too. ...p a u s e.... sometimes but not all the time, it's not consistent. loveisa deep& a dark & a lonely. _carl sandburg.
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