they pulled my hair at charm school.

they stole my guestbook during rolecall.

epiphanies on every street corner, + March 14. 2002 = 11:06 a.m.

+

Lately, feel all Carrie-ish. Have epiphanies on every street corner, in the middle of conversations, whilst staring at the screen of the laptop balanced on my kneecaps. Warm air, and, while I mock myself for this comparison, feel it to be an expansion in my previously stuck-in-a-rut mind set.

April and I'm writing new scenes into the screenplay of these small city days. I may have to change the scenery, main characters, smart ass dialogue. If I did it now, it would mean Icould, fingers crossed, land the equlivant of a sundance film screening in the fall. (Translation: if I make the small sacrifices now _give up apt34, make the commute to live rent free with sister for summer_ I would be able to save enough $$$ to move to bigger city /bigger audience with Dan& Ben2 in the fall.) Reoccurring hesitancy is brought on by worry: "what if i fuck it all up. what if things are really better as they are, and i just don't know it."

Look: this is why I am still stuck in same place for past 4yrs+.

In the mail yesterday: small heavy pkg containing Filippa K's spring-summer 2002 "look book". Feel crazed by the lacy camisoles, faded jeans, strappy sandals, beach sand on skin, nights on european street corners, wavy sand-sun-salt water hair, underwater scenes., boy with messy hair to kiss on, best friend in sun hat to cause trouble with. This, is. mmm. how I want my summer. s u c ker = yours truly.

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